Remember your daughter will see him as a role model and someday when she gets married she will consider the way he treated you acceptable behavior from her husband. Even though I know right now we are not working on our relationship, we are just kind of co-existing, it is still disrespectful of him if he is speaking to her, and it only continues to put me in a negative light because he just thinks im always around, its like I annoy him. Again I think she is part of the problem but not the whole problem or ALL the problems. You need to get him to see that he disrespects you. But at DDay2 he knew he was no longer able to do that. Its more like hes there. I AGAIN accused him of talking to OW, he swore he isnt, hasnt, doesnt want to. Nothing you said or did can justify or excuse him running to OW. A father. Well I agree and if I had to do it over it would be different. He wont put in the work on the follow-up things were supposed to be doing. Two steps forward and one step back as they say. I know we are not working towards reconciliation right now, but I am not living in the same home with him if he is speaking with other women. Right now he still doesnt care if he loses me. He finally gets it. Much better. The fog was bad. You cant have your husband cheating plus calling all the shots!! He came over last night to see the baby and I went out to dinner with friends. And I dont say a word. For my own peace of mind. Continue to be supportive of her but stop begging her to do anything as you can see that isnt working. NOW is the time to get strong and assert yourself. Its 7 years and I still dont do my Hs laundry. Maybe bc he is out of town. He says he knows he was wrong and he wishes he had never even given in to affair, etc, but that he felt unappreciated in our marriage and wishes he had spoken up. Even if he is talking to her. d. You suggest MC for you as a couple. He will have his freedom now to do whatever he wants, answer to no one, and im TERRIFIED he will love it. I feel like him bringing up divorce is whats coming next, any day now, and Im at the point where I just have to tell him thats fine and he can do it and ill go along with it. A curious and frustrating (for the BS) frame of mind the cheater goes through while in the midst of their affair. Perhaps all those are possible, but I like to attribute it in most cases to the affair fog. Am I coming home too early? Were not getting better like you think we are he says (from our coaching session). Im a couple weeks late to this conversation, but have you considered telling him to stay home with the baby one night because you have plans? I know that today is the worst day I have had in a long time. If he declines to discuss honestly, refuses MC and will not try to compromise, then you will soon realize you have nothing to work with. And he is on it a lot more this week which is why I am under the impression they are back speaking. I, being the chump I am, told him to go ahead and talk to her that one time because she was in crisis. My H never left our home and even when he wanted a divorce the next day he would change his mind. But looking back, the thing that I did that I shouldnt have done was I never stopped telling you that I loved you, and that I wanted to be with you. I would say, six months later, yes, but was it my behaviors? He had you in limbo. Me, almost five months, passed already. He had ended just a few hours before but also told me he wanted a D the same day. Its just rude, and he knows that, but he twists it all up and justifies everything he does. I sincerely hope it doesnt come to that for you and your children. I very rarely said no to him to being out with his friends without me. I said to him you are a grown man. Thats terrifying. I dont think she sees how much it hurts me. She tried to keep contact happening but I blocked her number and in the end she got the message. He literally had 1 foot out the door and I was being compared to someone half my age. He definitely has some sort of deep psychological issue ADD, ADHD or bipolarism. Walked out to my car, started looking at them and thought I throw up right then and there. I flirt with guys and send nude pics sometimes(which he has seen before) but I never really get the urge to sleep with these guys. A clear understanding of what you are legally entitled to in case of a D. Alimony and child support. But im kind of in the same boat right now. I get the whole she my soul mate, she perfect for me, Im the happiest Ive ever been. Leaving you in limbo is unfair and its not a game. A few weeks of that and we were headed for a divorce. We were cordial, didnt say much to eachother. I see it. But im afraid that if I let him go again, he will finally be done and not try. It may not be in every case. Trying the 180 my head is so confused.. He doesnt have to deal with any sort of reality of life with her because everything is still virtual. Youre advise is right on to what is going on with my Husband with his Emotional Affair with a younger office coworker. You take a step back. He gets his head out of his butt and realizes what he has done. Im TERRIFIED he is lying to me and is going to go somewhere to see her. It is important to have your $ in order, your paperwork in order, access to all financial records, bank accounts in your name alone so you have $ without having to rely on him. No way. When I was pregnant and this all first happened, I should have absolutely stuck to kicking him out. But he was very adament they are not speaking. And then he texts me Monday and says he will stay at the house since im not feeling well and he will pick up dinner to cook for us.Am I losing my mind or is that confusing in itself? You have a good head on your shoulder and remember your daughter needs her mother because you are the stability in her life. Hes happy b/c he can continue to disrespect you and your M. And if he wants some fun or conversation from you he knows he will get it. Im praying time is on my side. Then after a month or so of that (or maybe 2, I dont even remember at this point) he said he wanted to start staying the night to help me more, which happened to be after I told him I was moving on with or without him. GOSHHHHH. I told him I know you email her. My question is this, Someone that is continually making the same poor decisions, will they come out of the FOG?? And if hes NOT worried about losing you trust me b/c I have experience in this he may continue this pattern indefinitely. Right on the heels of the PA was an EA with a very young girl. He just wanted to be away, and it seems like thats what he is doing now a days again, but thats his decision I guess. I think he convinces himself of things. I dont know where his head is right now, but clearly were still just cohabitating and not doing anything to get us back on track. You tell him you know he is lying and that you are expecting this conversation to be honest and truthful. Its like he is literally trying to push me out of the house. The fog has a powerful hold on the CS. I feel like they are evidence we did something right. We have come a long way and he has worked hard to gain my trust back but I sure do miss the innocent trust that I once had! He eventually got sober and moved back home and the salvaged their marriage. I say If you want out of this marriage, YOURE going to be the one to make that happen, as I WILL NOT! I was calm and collected, until I started talking about that I was worried about how his dads impending death will affect him, then I cried. He is just st the point of no return and the fact he threw in the towel so easily is not a good sign. Or someone who has high standards or morals. I sleep all the time (well Pot makes me sleep and eat but all I want to do everytime I leave the house is go back and smoke pot and sleep), I was very ambitious and I had all these plans for my career and for us but Ive lost all the zeal. And that started the beginning of him changing. And that week he just seemed to be so distraught, texting me non stop, telling me how scared he was about everything, how hes not ready to divorce, etc. They may have convinced themselves that their marriage was already bad, that their partner really didnt love them, and that the affair partner must truly be their soulmate because he or she is the only one who understands them. We have somewhat similar stories. Youre right, he doesnt care, and that is unbelievably sad. Learn how your comment data is processed. Its much easier when he is apologizing and texting me and seems remorseful. Hopefully this fog clears at some point. Think of it this way. I will never be able to control what he does or make him see things the way I am, his perceptions right now are absolutely screwed up. But is there anything I can do that can get him out of this addiction, or do I just have to try to focus on me and do the 180 and hope he comes around and opens his eyes. do you have any advice to what more to do? I also wonder what he meant when he said that I am too impatient. Just know you cannot change him. Not an issue. You just told me not to obsess over her anymore and here I am completely obsessing. There is a saying the best thing a father can do for his daughter, is to love and respect her mother and obviously even at her young age she senses tension. You will never trust the cheater 100% but you can reconcile and trust 98%. Almost 3 years later I make sure I am in control of my happiness. My theory is you are either with me or not. Said he promised to get better about helping with bills, promised to finish the work around the house he started months ago, told me he was absolutely terrified about losing our marriage. But everything elseyoud come home, and Id be there. I knew he could easily write off other people, but never me. I think you are doing the right thing for now. I can kick him out for sure and maybe he will be sad for a few days, but im left completely devastated, thinking of all the good times we used to have. You cannot get them to change UNLESS THEY WANT TO CHANGE! You have told him to leave but yet he does not. He said he didnt want a D. He said he was confused. He changed. He got upset and said that is what he wants but he doesnt want it on someone elses terms. and she helps a lot. Maybe Im totally wrong. I dont want to live like this. But i do feel that way. I had kids on summer break and every day had to pretend all was ok. Honestly, I tried to even make it a better life than what we had. I have been begging her to stop contacting him and give me a chance to show her i can be the one she fell in love with. I would not give him a divorce so easy. These are good time relationships. Bc this is absolutely awful. WebSo, if you're looking for answers and support during this time, you won't want to miss this episode. I dont want to be mean to him, I want to just focus on me and the baby but its very very hard. Dont be me. But lied about it and snuck around. People get it. When we met I had just graduated college, gotten a good job, I was starting my life and he was impressed by me. I have GOT to get a hold of myself. But right now you are being manipulated and used. But its also a part of life, schedules, things going on that we should be a part of TOGETHER. 4. Unfortunately you are being responsible and he is not. I cant wrap my head around it all still. I have a close friend that cheated and is not 18 months post him coming clean and his wife calling it quits. But in an altered state they believe they are fine. He wont get counseling. Further damage is done by having to struggle through getting the truth. I had an excellent therapist but I was sure he was leaving and I had no $ and children. I just let him know the facts do not add up. However, these crises can often be associated with I responded to his text saying You want a different life, and you should go live it. And you cannot live like that. He works hard every day to make amends. At least you are not having yelling and screaming matches daily (not good for the baby or you). 1. You are waiting for him to make a decision. I feel if she did this we could rebuild a strong relationship. He only associates with shady characters he knows will agree with him and who dont know us well enough to filter through his BS. And he would be nice for a few days and then it would start again. I was completely wrong on that. THATS PART OF THE PROBLEM..its so very frustrating. NO YELLING! Sometimes I feel like he just wants a way out, to escape. I am willing to continue going through this hell if eventually I can continue spending my life with the man I love. Because it is not a M. Thats for sure. Is The Cheating Spouse Living With Regret? While your husband may want a divorce, that doesnt mean you do and it doesnt mean you have to just give it to him. But everyday I think to myself, I would probably be better off alone right now. I hope any of this advice helps you. Remember the A (or whatever he is doing) is like his drug of choice. Wash, rinse, and repeat, and soon, they are deeply entrenched in the fog., Also a few years back, Linda and I recorded a session for the Affair Recovery Group where we addressed the affair fog. It comes first. Our 25th anniversary came around and HE planned a really nice overnight at a top hotel. All things he may not even think about, but that I OBSESS over now bc I just want him to SEE ME again. I get so many thoughts in my head that just completely consume me and it is so frustrating. Once I got my power back I changed for the better. Thanks in advance! I dont know how many times ive told him you want a different life than this one, go have it and he says thats not what he wants, he just doesnt want to be controlled. It makes my journey/nightmare a little less awful! i have not been supportive of her decisions. I dont even know why I started it. You and your wife can get past this but only if you both want it. Dont be surprised if he either refuses or goes just to shut you up. One day when my H decided he was divorcing me I told him that I will never remarry so he should plan on paying alimony the rest of his life. The fog is the hardest thing to forgive and to get Its really like a stranger, and the minute he walks in the house and we start talking about our days its like oh here he is, heres the man I married. He texted me today to tell me about something he has going on with work. There is very little the spouse can do to change the cheater during the fog. Its a long process to full reconciliation. Affair fog is an "irrational way to escape the demands of real-life and lean into pleasure." From what you describe he has serious issues. Hes trying to punish me because I made him leave, but in the long run hes also punishing them. The Affair Recovery Group sessions were conducted with Marriage and Family Therapist, Jeff Murraha few years ago (a little over a year out from our D-day), at a time that was actually quite crucial to our own recovery and healing. Like I said, he is still sleeping at home. I see what he does and I KNOW I dont want a husband like this, yet I still love him and would want to work on it..WHAT?! And I believed it. He was not looking for ego boosts from others. And lets say you NEVER again mention talking to her. We didnt discuss it, I think I just made it seem ok so he did. Dopamine, But its not. So you have some idea of what you are facing like if you split up and its a no fault divorce state what is the % you get for alimony and what % for child support etc. So we will just keep going. Now you are just trying to co-exist and live peacefully. That is how far our dynamics have changed. We live as roommates. I asked him if he would be willing to go, and he said yes. And when I was, I didnt take it. But he has stayed at the house every night since then. Plain & simple! No kids, no responsibility, party lifestyle etc. It blows my MIND. I want a family life that he used to want and he no longer wants that. I learned this the HARD way during my Hs A. I thought (like you) that I could change him. She is such a good person he would say to me. I feel like this was the best move for me right now. Unless and until the CS decides to end it. His emotional state was that rocky. Its not hate or love. If he cannot make that decision then you need may have to make it for him. Stated out by spilling her guts to my husband about her partner, who was a man she had just stolen from another woman. I just dont even know what is better, lliving in limbo or living apart. When they were done yelling she would not even acknowledge except to say Can I help you?. That is why I say As are like addictions. Everyday I wake up knowing I have a full day ahead of feeling pretty crappy for the most part. Everything was okay. I know where you are right now. At some point you will get tired, beaten down, worn out, emotionally exhausted and tired of playing some sick twisted game where the Cheater gets to call the shots. You can do this. Divorce. But there were 2 things that helped me tremendously. You tell him that you have noticed that he is not willing to be a family. Here is a transcribed excerpt from that session. We havent had sex in almost 2 weeks, and I feel like when that stops its easier and easier to get into the friend role. The most hurtful words I ever said. It helps him continue the affair. Sorry and just to add, because she doesnt trust him, he is going above and beyond to prove his love for her, posting it all over his social media, that his kids can see if they paid attention. Just walked in and demanded a D. And a few hours later I told him he no longer had any control over me or my life b/c I was done playing games. I dont know if when he gets back in town he will stay here or not. At age 47, after years of struggling to find security in academia, he had received tenure. I have no idea. Linda: I also think those things are important, but I would hope that removal would actually maybe allow the person to see what their spouse meant to them. I changed many behaviors, but she seems unwilling to meet me there. He has been staying here since, but on the couch. No texts or calls or emails or contact from you. When this all started happening, I was SERIOUSLY concerned he was doing drugs. I see something online the OW posts and I just get completely set off. I think you did the best thing given the options you had. Its not real. His affair resumed 6 weeks later with same OW and in 2 months asked for divorce. But would go back to treating me horribly a few days later. He said he did not want to b/c he wanted to R. I picked up the phone and told him on X date you will go to a friends house until you find your own place. The only thing the cheater sees is their own selfish needs and desires. I cant IMAGINE lying to someone the way he has lied to me, I dont even think he sees it as lying anymore. I have not always been the best partner. Things outside the marriage is much more appealing to him right now than things inside the marriage, and that sucks. Its the same with a cheater. As I look back on their iMesaage conversation that I saved before it was deleted, I realize that my behavior to try to save the marriage is the exact opposite of the flirty, mysterious, confident behavior that she is enjoying with her AP. I dare say he wont be home tonight either!!. Im going to be honest as painful as it is. Everytime he wants to have sex, and God he wants to have sex all the time he is here with me, it;s like that all he wants to talk about (btw long distance relationship) with me I feel angry and grossed out. Im struggling with finances as is, I cant rub two coins to my name. Its her or me. And you have to go through all that before love can even begin to start being felt again. Am I making myself too available? QUESTION? But I just feel like ive been CONSTANTLY given the shit end of the stick. As I said, that is the risk. But really what else am I supposed to do? First he stayed bc I had a bad cold and he helped through the night with the baby for 2 nights. You can listen to and/or read the transcript here: Discover the 10 Most Important Lessons about Surviving Infidelity, How to Get the Cheater Out of the Affair Fog, Real Life Hardnosed Advice on How to Stop an Affair, How to Cheat on Your Spouse Without Feeling Guilty, The Psychology of Affairs: The Games People Play and the Lies that Bind, Follow our journey as we save our marriage after an emotional affair, https://www.emotionalaffair.org/discussion-how-do-you-get-the-cheating-spouse-out-of-the-affair-fog/, Terms of Service/Privacy Policy/Affiliate Disclosure. When here in the house at least I can see hes out, hes drinking too much, and he may not be the man I want for my life anyways. In your case your H wants a M on his terms. He never expected I would call the OW that night (before the D conversation) so I knew he had been cheating. Get your self together. Sorry for rambling, this has been such an awful day. He wanted what he wanted. Dont stress about the OW. If you want to see new boundaries like he has no social media or you have free access to his phone, he must accept that. Stonewalled and denied the entire time. Continue banging your head against the wall to effect a change (maybe) OR not engage in the circus and move past his drama. I deserve an award for keeping up that charade for many months. But it only worked b/c my H decided a few hours before that he was ending the A. Thank you for your advice Doug. With therapy and support and this blog, I have confidence in myself. He fantasized about escape. I think thats the part that did the most damage. I use this when my kids lie or my H lies. But it has to be their idea. I think of suicide quite often now. Join us as we explore the real struggles of midlife health, and learn how to I completely committed to 180 and immediately started feeling better. There is no excuse for cheating and doing what he is doing. Thank you so much for your response. My H had one. Its hard for me to pinpoint what I did that caused you to get out of the fog because I dont really know when you got out of the fog. When I was asking for is to go to counseling he said no. He is supposed to move in with me in a few months and I dont know how that will work. Dress nicely and just leave the house for several hours. You cannot make people wNt something. I have always been the one person in his life thats a complete constant. The more you detach and live for you and your baby the better things will be for you. I dont understand how one can come home and tell a person they love them and then engage in such lurid conversations via email. He was trying his hardest to put me and our marriage first. Linda: A lot of the experts caution that even though you do come back, does the betrayed spouse want you back? I hope it does for your H. Before it is too late. No disrespect. I am not saying file just get an idea in case you need to file. You are not HIS support system and back up plan. I said to him that when he met the OW he became a bar rat bc she was a bartender and he went to her bar everyday after work, and now hes doing that same thing at home, just without her involved. I dont know why I feel that way, I dont think thats how he sees it. When the next loser girlfriend finds out who and what he really is, it will came back to bite him. Sounds like he knows that he is all you have and takes it for granted. Its just hard because she comes to our house( where I live ) manly because of the children. I am moving on and focusing on my self. He has completely convinced himself he is Im willing to do and try just about anything on my end that I can in order to hopefully help him want this marriage again, I just dont want to be disrespected and walked all over and its hard to know if thats happening when I dont know what I can trust., He told me in May (I think it was May) that he admires me when he sees me doing things for myself again and that it reminded him of the woman he fell in love with. It is Friday now so I really dont know when ill see him, if he will come home and hang out at a normal time, or if he will stay out until 3am, or if tonight will be the night he chooses to not come home at all and test that outHe is being very nice to me, he seems positive when hes around me and its like were roommates that get along great and raise a baby together and a dog. Doug: Youre saying thats something you shouldnt have done? I dont know what to do. But who knows. K. At the end of all of this, he can choose his own path. Start disengaging that may make his head spin around. They kissed that night and he was do upset by his actions that he came home and told me. But the minute I pull away, he gets a little scared. Only coming up to two months knowing each other all moved super fast . K. I am sorry he has destroyed you. I think your H has unreal expectations on how to reconcile & heal the M. So lets pretend hes not talking to the OW. I am trying so hard to stay busy to make him wonder what im up to, but its just exhausting me to feel like I always have to be gone when he gets home, or be doing things. Eleanor Roosevelt once said No one can make you feel inferior without your permission Work on getting stronger. I wish I could go back to 2 weeks ago when he was terrified and texting me nonstop and I was being very short and sticking to my guns. Sunday mornings there were long lines. And its these thoughts that deter me from the 180, bc when I have thoughts like this I just want to tell him he should go. My big fear was that if I left the other woman would appear at my door within hours because she had obviously already replaced me online right in front of my face at home so I know he would have had no problem seeing her face to face if I wasnt here especially after finding out he was making secret phone calls to her and never did tell her he was married until I inserted myself in the situation and made it known that he had a wife. Last night was a big one. You tried everything else. Unfortunately I was. Its EXHAUSTING. They begin to rationalize with themselves in order to cover up their feelings of guilt. But what he doesnt know is that right now I honestly just dont even want him here. Its as if inside he was thinking we would end up back together after a while if we just let things play out, but now ive ruined that by constantly pushing and pushing. like you said, I cannot change him. And then he stopped or curtailed his bar nights. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. So there was nothing I could do to change his mind or his heart. Read up on the 180. I didnt respond, and I continued driving, just listening to music, thinking. The only fog he appeared to have was to think she was an innocent party. Im not sure what Im going to do about this.. He will regret it one day. In one session, Jeffshares his view of the affair fog and how both the betrayed spouse and the unfaithful spouse can deal with it, while we asked questions and shared some of our experiences. Cheers And 2-3 days later he would tell me he wasnt sure what he wanted. But we all know that bars, single men and women (out without their spouses or significant others) and alcohol can be a lethal mix of temptation and possibly more. (Mine did too), He expects you to dig serrp the whole thing. That is your next step after plan B is in place. i know its allowing him to cake eat and have things very easy, but I just have to focus on only myself and the baby for now.

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